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So, when you think about that guy at school that talks a little funny, acts a little girly, and just seems gay? That's me.

I can't help it. I used to try to act all macho and shit, but it felt fake, and it was so much work. I knew I was gay at twelve. I knew that boys were interesting, and girls were icky. By the time I was in high school, and changing into gym clothes and taking showers, I had no doubts.

I grew up in a little town in Indiana, south of Bloomington, east of Evansville, and west of Louisville, Kentucky. Our school wasn't real big. So when the kids at school said I acted like a girl, I worked hard to stop it. I didn't want to be made fun of. I still got picked on, though. Eventually, I got good at acting less sissy.

I gave up in tenth-grade. I just let myself talk and act like I wanted. Like what seemed normal for me. I got hell for it.

Panties on my locker, called every nasty homo-hating name, and pushed and shoved around. I lost most of my friends. David and Kerry stuck around, but outside of school, and we didn't go anywhere public. I didn't force them to, either. I was glad they didn't just leave me alone, like the rest.

But school was hell.

By the time tenth grade ended, I was the school fag. I only had Kerry and David as friends, and I didn't hang around them at school. I didn't want them pushed and shoved around like I was.

So, the summer was good. No jocks calling me names, no dirty looks in the halls, and no running from bullies out to beat me up. I got tanned, worked out some, grew taller, and had a peaceful summer. Kerry and David hung out with me sometimes. We played video games and watched movies, listened to music, and had some good times.

Eleventh grade started, and all the usual things that came with it. By the end of the second week, I was ready to quit school. It was too much to put up with. Nearly every day there were panties on my locker, or something grosser. I had been cornered in the bathroom by Hill Maserly and nearly forced to suck his dick. His buddies said it was too gay, and Hill ended up pulling my boxers up so far that they ripped. I went commando after that.

The weekend was the only peace I got. Sometimes Kerry or David came over. But I always stayed at home, away from everyone else. It was quiet and safe at home.

Until this weekend.

It was late Saturday night. I was home alone. My folks had gone to see my grands who lived just out of state. I never went with them, because my grandmother was very religious and considered me a lost cause. She nearly spat at me the last time I had gone, and we had left after just a few minutes. I had told my parents that I was gay last year, so they had told their parents. My other grands that lived in Montana were cool about it.

So, I was home alone. My folks would be back tomorrow evening. Kerry had come over for a few hours, then gone with Mike and Trace to the movies. I was asked to go, but Mike and Trace would have been as uncomfortable as I would have been around them. They weren't rude to me at school, even waved when we saw each other outside of school, but they weren't real friends.

It was after midnight. The doorbell rang. I wasn't sure I had really heard it. I'd been nearly dozing off, watching Saturday Night Live. It rang again. I figured Kerry had come back after the movie. Nothing new there. So I opened the door without checking who it was.

Caleb North.

Tall, lean, slightly muscular. Dark-brown hair, long, thin eyebrows of that same dark brown, over deeply-blue eyes. Round face with a strong chin. Always tan. Rich, popular, well-liked. He was wearing tight jeans and a tight black t-shirt. His thick lips smiled at me, red and plump.

"Hi, Cody. How's stuff?"

"Uh, okay. What're you doing here?"

"Well, wanted to have a talk."

"Talk?"

I looked behind him. I didn't see anyone else. I was sure this was going to be bad, anyway.

"Yeah. Can I come in?"

"My folks are asleep. We'll have to be quiet. If Dad hears anything, he's likely to come down with his pistol and ask questions later."

"Oh. Well, how about we sit on the porch?"

"Porch?"

"Sure. Nice night out."

He shrugged.

The obvious excuse occurred to me.

"That'd be worse. He'd think someone was outside trying to get in. He'd probably shoot us both before he saw who it was."

"Your old man that paranoid?"

"Well..."

I thought furiously.

"After I told him I'm gay, he's been real paranoid of someone trying something."

"Oh."

He thought for a minute, hands in pockets, looking at his feet. Then he looked up. His blue eyes were so dark. I loved that about him. I'd always sort of liked him. He'd never pushed me around, or caused me any trouble before, so I didn't know why I was being so worried about it. It just becomes second-nature.

"Well, if we talk inside, he won't really come down shooting, will he?"

"No. He might not even hear us if we're quiet. But he gets up at night a lot. Comes down for milk or a shot of whiskey."

"So, he won't care if you have company, right?"

"No, guess not."

I shrugged and let him in. I looked outside, too, making sure he was alone and there wasn't anyone waiting. I closed the door, and locked it quickly and quietly. I turned around. He was checking out the house. I led him to the den, where the television was still on, and the ending of Saturday Night Live was rolling credits.

"That show sucks now. Ever seen the old ones?" he asked.

"Yeah. It used to be better."

He sat down on the couch in front of the television. I sat down on the other end. He looked at me. I looked at him.

"So, what's up?" I finally asked.

"Well. I wanted to ask you something."

"What? If I like it up the ass? Or if I like to give it?"

I said it pretty nastily. He seemed to grimace. And I didn't know the answer anyway. I hadn't done anything with anyone.

"No. Dude, chill."

"Well, what, then?"

"Um... when did you know? That, you know, that you..."

"Liked the dick?"

He sort of laughed a little, then nodded, then said, "Yeah."

"Twelve. I sort of figured I liked guys more than girls. Never changed."

"Oh. So... before you even had puberty?'

"Yeah."

He nodded.

"Why?" I asked.

"Well. I was curious. Um... I sort of knew about the same time."

For a second I was sure I had heard him wrong. I mean, he can't be gay. He's popular, rich, good-looking, all that.

"What?" I asked.

"Sort of just knew. I mean... I lived next door to Carrie Ulan. She used to get dressed in her room, and I could see. But... well, I watched, but... I kept wishing it was a guy."

"You fucking serious?" I asked, not even thinking it first, just blurting it out.

"Yeah. I'd see everything. I think she even knew. Liked being watched or something. I mean, she used a dildo, right there on the bed facing the window. She had to know I was watching."

"Shit."

"I mean, I was almost thirteen. She was at least eighteen. I watched, sure. But... I kept wishing it was a guy that lived next door and didn't mind being watched."

"You're really serious?"

"Yeah. And... hell. I mean, I know you are, too. I mean, I wish you didn't get so much shit for it. If you didn't, I might... maybe, say I was."

He swallowed so hard I could see and hear it. He was looking around, everywhere but at me.

"You really are?" I asked.

He looked back at me, then met my eyes, then nodded.

"Wow."

"I... can I tell you something?"

"Sure."

"You're not gonna tell anyone? Are you?"

"Fuck no! I get enough shit! I wouldn't want someone else to get it, too! Fucking honest!"

I was serious! That he would tell me was enough to make me never want to reveal that to anyone! It was sort of a sacred trust as far as I was concerned.

He looked around again. He got even redder.

"Uh... I like you, Cody."

There was this kind of... twang? Like a string inside of me had been plucked. It felt weird, and kind of nice. But mostly, really weird.

"I mean, you're cute, Cody. I like you. I was... I, um, I mean, I hope you... maybe like me."

He glanced at me really quickly, then away again. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. I mean, he's really cute. And him telling me this stuff was making me like him even more.

"Uh, you mean..."

"Look, I know I'm probably not your type, or anything, I just... I don't know anyone else! I mean, who else can I even talk to about this?"

He sounded worried and scared. And I felt really bad for him. And the hope that there was someone else... well... you can imagine!

"Caleb?"

"What?"

"I think you're pretty hot."

That had been so hard to say! Almost impossible! But once I had said it, I felt relieved and elated.

"I know the girls do, but... do you? Really?"

"Shit, yeah! I mean, your fucking eyes! Wow!"

He laughed and got red again. He was so cute like that!

"Man, Cody! I love your eyes! They're like fucking, silver ice!"

I felt my face get hot. I couldn't keep from snickering.

"And your hair is awesome! Like perfectly black!"

"It's so straight! It's awful! I want to dye it blue or something, and maybe spike it."

"No! Don't! It's fucking perfect like it is!"

"Man..."

I was so embarrassed. I curled my legs up under me and almost shrunk into myself.

"God, that's so cute," he said, grinning.

"What?" I asked, barely able to get the words out.

I felt so weird! I mean, sitting there with the incredibly sexy Caleb North, telling me I was doing something cute? And he told me he's gay! I mean... it was just too... and I was... it was... FUCK!

"The way you sit like that. I saw you doing that one day. It was so.. I mean, I really liked it. Still do."

"Don't," I said, not knowing why, other than it was so embarrassing.

"Don't what?"

I shrugged, trying not to, just... I don't know!

He snickered.

"Now what?" I asked.

"You're just so..."

He shrugged, all grinning so hot and looking so cute.

"What?" I asked.

"Fucking hot."

I laughed. I felt my face get so hot, I worried I would start sweating like a pig.

We sat there in silence for a little bit. I just didn't know what to say. It was all so unexpected. Like a fantasy I'd had more than once. Some cute guy sitting there, telling me I was cute and sexy. It seemed so unreal. I wanted to squirm away.

I kept glancing at him. He was doing the same thing. We were both so embarrassed.

"Can... is it okay if I come sit with you? Please?"

I gasped. I was actually shocked. I wanted to go curl up on his lap, but I couldn't possibly have done that. I barely managed to nod once.

He grinned even wider, then scooted over. He was just inches away. I could almost feel his body heat. I could smell his cologne. He was so cute!

"Is... is it okay if... can I... I just want to put my arms around you so bad."

I gasped again. I stared at him. I tried to see some hint that he was setting me up for some awful prank or something. But he looked so scared and worried. He really seemed so honest. I managed to nod once.

He slowly put his near arm on my shoulder, then slid it further across, until his hand was on the opposite shoulder. His face was so close to mine! It was amazing! He had this smile that was so... shy? Cute, for sure! And he was blushing so red! And his lips looked so inviting!

I started shaking badly. I filled up with all kinds of thoughts. I was scared, and worried, and just all fucked up suddenly.

"What's wrong?" he asked really softly, almost close enough to kiss me.

"This is... it's..."

I didn't know what it was. Exciting, thrilling, frightening, horrifying, shocking... what? All?

He hugged me for real then, his other hand going to my near arm.

"I'm shaking, too," he said so softly. "It's... worse than first day at school, or something."

"I know!"

We laughed a little.

"God, you're so hot," he said, smiling so cutely.

I laughed nervously, hardly able to keep looking at him.

Then my guts dropped as I noticed that he was coming closer. My eyes widened when I knew what he was doing. I held my breath.

His lips touched mine.

It was like being electrocuted. I guess. I was shaking. It was hard to breathe. I couldn't think.

It was my first kiss. And it was Caleb. And... wow!

In no time at all, we were mashing our lips together and panting. I found my arms around him, and I didn't remember moving them at all.

Then, somehow, I was nearly lying down, and he was over me. We were kissing like mad. My hands were on his chest, feeling his heart pounding. One of his arms was around me, the other hand on my stomach, tickling it by softly making circles there.

I don't even know if my mind was working or not. My body was taking over, I guess. I was fully hard, and a strong tickling sensation was radiating outward from it.

The next thing I remember is leading him upstairs, and telling him my parents were actually gone for the night. Then I was on my back on my bed, and he was straddling me, kissing me, holding the back of my head with one hand and running the other up and down my side.